Today I weigh 275 pounds.

Day 4: Today is about transparency and vulnerability. There. I said it. My friends, family, and the world now know that I am over 120 pounds heavier than I should be. There’s something about admitting it so publicly, that puts a tightness in my chest, and a sudden urge to abandon this blog post.

I am the type of person that says something about my weight before anyone else can, it’s an unhealthy self-defense strategy. But saying the numbers, saying exactly how bad it is – that’s hard.

This isn’t my first weight loss rodeo. I’ve been on and off Keto for nearly 8 years. I’ve only stuck to it for an extended period of time once. During that period, I lost 75 pounds and made it to the lowest I’ve been since having my daughters. At 210 pounds, I felt so much more alive, filled with joy, mental clarity, higher energy levels, and excitement for adventure.

Here I am: December 2014, after a year of working my ass off. Literally. My goal is to reverse these pictures by January 2020.

Even knowing how much better life was at a lower weight, how did I allow myself to gain it all back? I’m sure there’s a lot I can contribute to it but, the fact of the matter is, I have no excuse. 155 pounds – I’m coming for you.

What was supposed to be a carefree day with family kicking off the Holiday Season, quickly turned into a day filled with anxiety and embarrassment.  There was one thing running through my mind incessantly, nagging, poking, and repeating:

“You are an overweight loser that is not going to fit on any of the rides. Save yourself from humiliation, and don’t even try.” 

My family, being the Rockstars they are, pushed me onto most of the rides. I was relieved that I was able to squish in every time I tried – except once. Most rides had an example seat. I would ask my family to form a protective circle shielding me from onlookers, as I tried to squish myself in.

My nemesis, Outlaw Run, is a coaster that has a lap bar and a padded bar that is supposed to fit snugly around your calves. My weight is dispersed pretty evenly throughout my body, something I attribute to making me look like I weigh less than I actually do. However, this means my calves are gigantic, and embarrassingly didn’t allow the bar to close. This is what did me in: not my gut, not my chest, but my calves. Outlaw Run 2019 – here I come. You will not defeat me again.

I’m over it. I’m over wondering if my snowboard pants are going to fit this season. I’m over the anxiety that comes before buckling the airplane seat belt. I’m over not being able to find cute clothes. I’m over knee and back pain. I’m over low energy and restless sleep. Most of all, I’m over not being able to keep up with my girls. They deserve more. They deserve a better example of a healthy lifestyle.

I have another confession: I originally started this blog in April. I thought I would address every area of my life that was not ideal, including; finances, weight, parenting, house maintenance, and more. I’ve deleted those posts. I burnt myself out pretty fast. Juggling that many goals is simply not realistic. That’s why I’m redirecting my focus to weight loss. My hope is that the other things will start to fall into place as I feel better and have more energy. If they don’t, I’ll have to tackle them later. I need to do this for me and for my girls.